May 2004


I am The Cyberwolfe and these are my ramblings. All original content is protected under a Creative Commons license - always ask first.
Creative Commons License

On Ethics…

For some oddball reason, I have been considering the ethics of myself and others lately; probably has something to do with politics of late.

In any case, there’s one topic that I haven’t really written about here and I figured it’s time I chimed in with my two cents: Polyamory. For those of you who are familiar with the subject, feel free to wander elsewhere for now, I won’t be saying anything you haven’t heard before. For the curious though, read on…

Polyamory has oft been described as “The Art of being an Ethical Slut”, and that gets right down to the point of it. The word of course comes from the latin “poly” (many) and “amore” (love), so, to practice polyamory is to love many. The trick is doing so without hurting anyone.

Most people practice monamory, the idea of only having one significant other at a time, and think of having more than one lover as “cheating”. (This is especially true of monogamists.) Well, it’s only cheating if you don’t have permission. The first premise of being poly is to be open about the idea with anyone you consider dating and making sure that everyone is okay with the idea.

Now, I don’t want you to think that this is just a new take on Swinging – there’s a big difference. Swingers are all about the sex, and that’s it. Polyamory is about love and emotional relationships. Sure, there’s usually sex in there, but it goes above and beyond in most cases.

While every poly relationship is different, one constant is communication, just like a mono relationship – only more so. You spend alot of time talking in a good poly relationship, so you had better be fairly in touch with your own wants, needs and feelings, and be willing to discuss them in detail.

Aside from that, there really aren’t any ‘rules’ – you’ll have to decide them all for yourself and your partners. Everyone will have their own comfort level about who is dating whom, and how much they tell you about it, where you take them, etc. Some people go to lengths to keep their lovers seperate, while others try to get all of their lovers to be friends. Whatever works for you is good.

There’s only one thing that absolutely does not belong in a poly relationship: Jealousy. Not to be confused with Envy. The former is the “hey, quit looking at my girl” feeling, where envy is the “hey, my lover is getting more attention than I am” feeling. If you’re a jealous or possessive person, then polyamory is not for you.

So what’s the point? The point is you don’t have to miss out on all those really great people you meet in the course of your life if you happen to have a significant other already. The human ‘heart’ has no finite capacity for love, and polyamory is about exploring all that life has to offer.

If this is an intriguing idea for you, then by all means search out more information. There are books, articles and websites scattered hither and yon on the subject, so you shouldn’t have much trouble finding something. Good luck, and have fun!

Comments are closed.