Something I should probably do more of.

Thanksgiving trip, in small doses:

Took waaay too long to get out of town – 1 hour to drive 15 miles. Rain slowed me down more, so it took me from 6:30pm to 1:00am to get to Grants Pass. That’s 6 1/2 hours for a 4-hour trip. (Okay, there was a meal stop and a gas stop, but still.)

It was good to see the family – wish I could have done more of it. My mom’s house reeks of smoke (even to a longtime smoker like myself – enough to be sickening) so I spent as little time there as I could. My brother and his wife opted to spend all of Friday night at the local bar, which would have meant me leaving Pookie in the care of a couple teenage boys had I opted to join them and all of their friends, with whom I have nothing in common. (Quite honestly, most of them are the kind of people I left GP to get away from.) Oh joy.

So, I spent all of Friday night watching TV and playing games on the laptop. If Pookie wasn’t having so much fun playing with her youngest cousin, I would have packed and left.

The drive Saturday was much better – mostly clear weather and traffic was fairly light until Salem. Unfortunately, after Salem everyone forgot the whole idea of “the left lane is for passing” and piled up there. I was able to zig my way through two whole packs of cars by dodging in-and-out of the slow lane. Fucking tards.

So, I spent about $100 in gas and food and 11 hours driving with attendant aggravation to spend about (in total) 12 hours with my family.

No wonder it’s been three years since I went back.

So I’m driving home from a date tonight, listening to Loveline, and “Lorelei” comes on asking if male ejaculate would help clear up her acne. “…well, I know it’s good for you if you swallow it, and I was wondering if it might help clear up my skin…”

Where do people come up with this shit?

“Oh, no, really, babe, you gotta swallow – there’s protein and vital nutrients in there. And you know, if I spew it onto your face and you rub it in, it’ll clear up those zits…”

Maybe the Japanese have been right about it all along.

I bukkake for clear skin!

(PSA)

For those of you who are my fellow Oregonians, if you haven’t turned in your ballot yet, then remember that libraries are your friend. All libraries will accept ballots and turn them in to the Elections Board for tabulation.

(/PSA)

Here’s a movie I had never heard of: Knock Off. Here’s the plot outline:

Action star Jean Claude Van Damme plays a fashion designer who must join forces with a C.I.A. agent to combat terrorism.

Who is the CIA agent? None other than Rob Schneider.

So who has sunk lower? Rob for working with a one-shot pony like Van Damme, or Vane Damme for working with a kitsch actor like Schneider?

The day was perfect – sunny and warm, despite the lack of leaves on the trees, with just a hint of breeze. The Pookster and I sought our prey with care, approaching on foot from downwind. We were amongst them before they knew we were even there.

We chose a likely pair of candidates, and quickly dragged them back to the car and secured them in the trunk. They were so stunned they didn’t even struggle as we hauled them, nor did they scream in fright as we closed the trunk. A perfect nab.

Back at our hideout, we cleared a workspace and laid down newspapers to prevent stains on the furniture and floor. Then we carefully selected our tools – knives, for the most part, but we included some large spoons and a comtainer for the messier parts to come.

The first stroke of the knife is always the hardest, but once you get the blade in, sawing further isn’t that hard. There is almost always that small moment of queasiness, however, when you reach for the spoon, knowing what comes next.

The container was not up to the task, and had to be emptied between victims, but the procedure went smoothly. We are both well-pleased with the results. I had considered something more complicated for my own, but my partner in crime beat me to the punch, so I opted for a more traditional mutilation. She always has been more artistic than I. (The eyebrows on mine are her idea, in fact.)

Click the link to see our handiwork – if you dare!

Muahahahahahaha!!!! Continue Reading →

…will still probably stab your thumb.

Okay, so I’m up way too late reading again, and decide to check blogs before I crash and I notice that Firefox 2.0 RC2 is out. So, clickety-clickety it is installed and now I have to test it. Low and behold, Da Roomie has done a likely meme.

–Sidebar– you ever notice how mispelling a single word can really mess with a meaning? I have a bad habit (as do many others) of spelling and as nad, which turns “Low and behold” into something only a dear friend should do.

I told you I was up late.

Anyway, on with the meme: Namings

1. YOUR SPY NAME: (middle name and current street name)
James San Rafael. Yes, it definitely could have been worse. I used to live down the road from Troll View Road. Then again, there is a “Skywalker Street” in Las Vegas.

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your dad’s side, your favorite candy)
Edward KitKat? That would be a no. I should go with “Butterfinger” instead, and go into slapstick.

3. YOUR RAP NAME (first initial of first name, first three or four letters of your last name)
D-Cro. Or should it be D’Cro? D’Plane? Yes, get off that aircraft right now.

4. YOUR GAMER TAG: (a favorite color, a favorite animal)
Black Wolf(e). Yeah, that was tough.

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
James Laguna – as in Laguna Beach, CA

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother’s maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet’s Name)
Cro Rcy Zoe. I dare you to say it out loud. It helps to use a bad Engrish accent.

7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom’s maiden name spelled backwards)
Semaj Ycrep. Sounds like a symptom of some nasty disease. Please get me penicillin.

8. PORN STAR NAME: (first pet’s name, the street you grew up on)
Hmm…first pet was a female Elkhound named Gretchen. We’ll go with her pup and say it was Barney Hamilton.

9. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The”, your favorite color, the automobile your dad drives)
The Black Kenworth. I am a semi-hero. Beware my 18 Wheels of Justice!

10. YOUR ACTION HERO NAME: (first name of the main character in the last film you watched, last food you ate)
Scooby Tacos. (Pookie and I watched a Scooby-Do cartoon movie.) Prior to that was Tomb Raider, so then we have Lara Tacos. Mmmmm…Lara Tacos…

Sleeeeepysleepysleepy…..

Boy, I guess I’m a bad blogger – it’s been a whole week since my last post.

We had a bit of fun for Pookie’s birthday this year – as a happy coincidence, we had the Pirate Festival to attend down at Cathedral Park. This turns out to be a pretty decent place to hold an event of this size. The space is pretty open, so at first glance you’re thinking there will be no shade – there are hardly any trees. Then you remember that you’re directly under the St. Johns bridge, which happens to run East-West, Leaving a 40-foor wide swath of shadow right down the middle of the park.

On hand was an actual sailing ship and many, many, many people dressed as pirates. I had no idea there were that many in the area. Sure, the SCA has drifted toward pirates lately, but this was a bit surprising.

Good points included some good music, dancing and plain ol’ fun. A bunch of those inflatable bouncy places for the kids to tromp on, face painting and other child-friendly delights. For the adults, there was an “Ale Garden”, and most of the music was more adult-oriented.

Bad points included a lack of easy public transport combined with lousy parking, a $15 cover charge and long lines for everything. I mean hour-long lines. It seems that not a single food vendor had any idea how to staff an event like this, and they were taking forever to get anything served.

They are saying next year they will extend it to two days, which will be good – give them more time to make a profit, maybe they can lower the cover charge. In 3 year’s time, the event may grow large enough to be held down at Waterfront park.

I seem to have forgotten to blog for almost a week.

Well, things have been going pretty smoothly at the new job. Met a few of the clients and looked over their situations, and am pretty pleased with the level of quality and consistency in the systems. It’s always easier to take care of something that was designed well to begin with.

I got things switched over to my new permanent laptop this week, and while it is pretty cool, it isn’t quite as cool as the first one I had :( It did however, allow me to find a problem in some Terminal Services software – it can’t draw the windows correctly in a widescreen format. Makes for some interesting issues.

It’s been different at home too. With the new work schedule, I can’t have Pookie over on weeknights anymore, since it would be too much of a strain on her to get up that early. It’s a bummer because I see her less, but the days I miss out on are the ones where we were always rushing to get home, cook dinner, get her into the bath and then into bed. Not exactly “quality time”.

I don’t know quite how it happened, but we have aparently gotten another set of party-neighbors. 503 B somehow just attracts ’em, and now I have to figure a way to shut them up so we can all get to sleep. Wheee.

Yknow, a couple of tear-gas grenades would at least chase ’em out into the street…

-Or-
Parts of a Play That Has Never Been Written

My buddy BJ back in ‘Vegas was into theater – the tech and production side, not the acting. We would sit and laugh over tales he had from the shows he helped run, and we got the idea to do a sort of “Noises-Off-Knock-Off”, a bunch of behind-the-scenes scenes. The only problem was we couldn’t figure out how to string them together. Tolerant just gave me the idea that each scene is from a different play in a community theater that will put on just about anything. Here’s a sample:

STAGETECH is stage left, heaving on a rope that goes up to the ceiling.
DIRECTOR and PRODUCER are stage right, loudly arguing about a piece of scenery. They call STAGETECH over to get his opinion. ST is busy, but sees they won’t be put off.

ST: Frowns, looks around, spots FEMALE STAGEHAND, visually sizes her up.
ST: “You! C’mere for a minute!”
FSH: Looks up, drops what she is doing and walks over.
ST: “Hold this.” Hands rope to FSH, turns and walks towards DIR and PRO
FSH: “Ack!” as she rises slowly to the ceiling. ALL turn to watch.
ST: Looks at FSH, looks down at his paunch. “Damn! I gotta lay off the doughnuts!”

——————-

Stage left: two ACTORS and STAGETECH are working out a fight scene.
Stage Right: DIRECTOR and ACTORS are arguing over dialogue. Horrid Brooklyn accents abound.
ST pushes ACTOR1 aside and takes his place to better demonstrate how to throw a believable punch, goes through routine slowly with ACTOR2 a few times.
ST: “Okay, let’s try it again at full speed.” ST and A2 begin routine, it looks pretty good. DIR and ACTORS get a little louder.
About halfway through fight routine, ST clocks A2 loudly across the jaw, A2 goes down in a heap. Silence on stage, then ACTORS rush over to check on A2.
ST: “I said dodge LEFT you twit!” Throws hands in air and exits.

So for the past two days I have been dealing with my impacted wisdom tooth, which is slowly crushing the teeth in my lower-left jawline. “Painful” is too mild a word. Take a red-hot poker and place the tip at the base of your jaw just below your ear. Now brace the front of your mouth on a brick wall and have someone stand behind you with a huge-ass jackhammer and drive that fucker forward against the poker as hard as they can.

Now multiply that feeling by about 10, and you’ve got what I was feeling last night. Seriously. It got so bad at one point I was actually considering using my handy Gerber multi-pliers to rip out one of my molars, which would at least make room for the other remaining teeth to move around a bit. I actually had the pliers in my hand.

Tolerant, however, came to my rescue! Having had similar pain issues in the past, she had a couple prescription-grade painkillers in the medicine cabinet that she brought over for me. That Angel actually walked over to my house at 11 o’clock just to deliver them! These cut the pain enough for me to get to sleep, and that’s when my funky pain-tolerance system finally kicked in.

I don’t know how it does it, but my brain is able somehow to simply ignore nerve input when it needs to – this has come in very handy at times, lemme tell you. Once the meds cut the pain enough for me to sleep, my brain must have decided that the nerves in question were malfunctioning and severely reduced their say in how lousy I was going to be feeling. By morning, I was only suffering mild discomfort, the sort which is easily handled by Excedrin and friends.

I’m not totally in the clear yet – one of my molars has been tilted forward, which means my teeth meet earlier now and in kind of an odd way, and this is the most sensitive tooth currently. I have to be careful eating, but I can get by. In a week or so I will have adjusted to it and will be fine until the next shift in pressure. With any luck, I’ll only have to go through this one more time before December, when my insurance will start and I can go to the dentist to get this permanently fixed.

In the meantime, though, if you see me pacing the hallway with pliers in my hand, just knock my ass out.