September 2006


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Scene what, Act whatever

Parts of a Play That Has Never Been Written

My buddy BJ back in ‘Vegas was into theater – the tech and production side, not the acting. We would sit and laugh over tales he had from the shows he helped run, and we got the idea to do a sort of “Noises-Off-Knock-Off”, a bunch of behind-the-scenes scenes. The only problem was we couldn’t figure out how to string them together. Tolerant just gave me the idea that each scene is from a different play in a community theater that will put on just about anything. Here’s a sample:

STAGETECH is stage left, heaving on a rope that goes up to the ceiling.
DIRECTOR and PRODUCER are stage right, loudly arguing about a piece of scenery. They call STAGETECH over to get his opinion. ST is busy, but sees they won’t be put off.

ST: Frowns, looks around, spots FEMALE STAGEHAND, visually sizes her up.
ST: “You! C’mere for a minute!”
FSH: Looks up, drops what she is doing and walks over.
ST: “Hold this.” Hands rope to FSH, turns and walks towards DIR and PRO
FSH: “Ack!” as she rises slowly to the ceiling. ALL turn to watch.
ST: Looks at FSH, looks down at his paunch. “Damn! I gotta lay off the doughnuts!”


Stage left: two ACTORS and STAGETECH are working out a fight scene.
Stage Right: DIRECTOR and ACTORS are arguing over dialogue. Horrid Brooklyn accents abound.
ST pushes ACTOR1 aside and takes his place to better demonstrate how to throw a believable punch, goes through routine slowly with ACTOR2 a few times.
ST: “Okay, let’s try it again at full speed.” ST and A2 begin routine, it looks pretty good. DIR and ACTORS get a little louder.
About halfway through fight routine, ST clocks A2 loudly across the jaw, A2 goes down in a heap. Silence on stage, then ACTORS rush over to check on A2.
ST: “I said dodge LEFT you twit!” Throws hands in air and exits.

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