Diary of a Wolfeman

… it sucks.

“It” being introspection itself. I have spent a lot of time over the past few days delving into my own psyche trying to figure myself and my feelings out. I have completely, thoroughly, top-to-bottom over-analyzed myself into fits. I have glimpsed the heights of my fancy, and I have stared into the blackest abyss of my soul. The Abyss stared back. I think I’m good with it.

That may scare some people.

The scary part is that women do this sort of thing all the time. It’s somehow wired into them from birth that they must obsessively analyze their feelings and motivations constantly. Inspecting every sentence, gesture and action of those around them, seeing not only the good intentions, but also the possibility of the veiled threat beneath.

It’s a wonder more women aren’t truly psychotic.

Yes, we men may call some women psycho, but the truth of the matter is that they can somehow deal with it – otherwise there would be far more female serial killers in the world than there are.

Me, I got lucky – my gal is an optimist.

The Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is 42.

Tolerant is my 42nd girlfriend.

Coincidence? I think not.

Now that you have read through the first course, it is time to move on to the next:

Wolfe’s Guide To Computers 102 – What to do when things go Wrong

“The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.”
– Mitch Ratcliffe

Things will eventually go wrong with your computer; the steps below will be helpful in determining exactly what it was, and should be followed in this order.

1) Reboot the computer.

Microsoft Windows Operating Systems have a number of faults in them that will on occasion cause your computer to freeze up, spaz out or generally quit working. If this happens, you will normally just need to reboot your computer to solve the problem.

Click on Start, then click on “Shut Down” and choose “Reboot” at the pop-up window. If this option never becomes available (wait at least ten minutes) then you may perform a Hard Shutdown by pressing and holding in the Power button on the computer for 5 seconds. This should shut down the computer. Let it sit for a 10-count then press and release the power button to start the computer again.

As a last-ditch effort, you could pull the power cord out of the computer – it should be noted that this could cause permanent damage to the machine, so it should only be done as a last resort.

If the problem persists, continue with the next steps.

2) Check all of the cables on the computer and the peripherals. Sometimes cables can get knocked loose from the computer, so you should make sure everything is plugged in and turned on. (Obviously, you will not be able to print if the printer is turned off.) If you are having Internet problems (the most common sort), then make sure that all of the cables are plugged in to the modem and / or router and that these devices are turned on and have the proper status lights lit.

3) Read The Fine Manual! If you are having trouble getting a particular program or device to work, there is quite probably some very useful information in the User’s Guide or the Help Files written into the program. Read the manual to make sure that you are doing it right to begin with. Better yet, there may be a troubleshooting guide that can help you before you call Tech Support.

4) If you still have not found a solution, you may need to call Tech Support. Before you do this, write down everything you can about the problem you are having, in the most technically descriptive manner you can. If an error message appears onscreen, write it down verbatim and in its entirety, including any number sequences that may be present. Your Tech Support agent will want this information.

You should also write down the sequence of steps that led to the problem appearing. If you are having trouble getting to a website, for instance, you should say that you “launched the web browser, but it was unable to display the website”, not “teh Internets are broken”.

Your Tech Support Agent will not know what you mean if you do not use standard terms. If you are not sure what the standard terms are, ask someone who is more computer-savvy than you are to help you describe the problem.

It will also be beneficial to write down the steps you have taken to try and fix the problem. The Agent will likely have you repeat these steps, but it shows them from the start that you have at least tried to fix it on your own – they will be more likely to go that “extra mile” to help someone who tries to help themselves first. Whiners get the worst treatment.

5) To ensure that you get the most help from Tech Support, remember this: you are dealing with someone who is trying to help you, and they may need some more help from you to solve the problem. If they ask a question, try to answer the best that you can. If they ask you to do something, follow their instructions to the letter in the exact order they are given – don’t jump ahead and don’t skip anything.

Above all else, remain as calm as you can. Yelling at them will get you transferred to the back of the call queue or just plain disconnected. Tech Support usually runs on a first-come, first-served basis, and they do not play favorites. Expecting special treatment for any reason (and telling them so) will earn you nothing but bad attitude. Ask nicely, say “thank you”, and don’t make any unfounded accusations.

These simple steps will not only help you solve the problem, they may earn you the respect of the tech support team if you end up having to call them, and they may not hate you for being an idiot like all of their other callers. Good luck.

There has been much ranting on a number of boards I read recently regarding the sad state of general intelligence in the world today and specifically about the lack of general knowledge people have about their computers. Computers seem to be the one thing in this modern society that the general populace feels they have no need to know the operation of.

No employer will hand you the keys to a company vehicle before first making sure that you A) have a Driver’s License and B) have or have had auto insurance. Not so with computers – they will ask if you know what you are doing, but will generally offer some very quick training if not. That’s it – there is no test to make sure you actually know what the computer IS before they set you loose on one. Arguably, the computer has the larger potential for costing the company money, yet there is no standard of knowledge required before issuing you one.

This amazes me.

Having watched heads of IT try to turn on a computer by repeatedly stabbing the power button on the monitor, however, you’d think I was beyond amazement, but there ya have it.

Anyway, I’m going to try to put an end to the ignorance in whatever small way I can. So without further ado, I bring you…

Wolfe’s Guide To Computer Operation 101 – Hardware

1) This is a monitor:

A monitor does one thing: it displays the image generated by the computer. It may be a CRT and be big and bulky, or it may use LCD technology making it slim and flat.

It is NOT the computer itself.

2) This is a computer:

Note that it has a CD drive in the front of it – as a general rule, if it is bigger than a copy of Harry Potter and has a CD tray, and is not a DVD player for your home, then it is a computer.

This is the part that actually does all of the work. While it may have a dial-up modem built into it, it is still not a modem, it just uses one.

There are many brands of computers available on the market today from companies like Dell, Gateway, HP, and Compaq. If you buy a computer from one of these brands, it will be running a Microsoft Windows Operating System unless you tell them otherwise. They make it very hard to tell them otherwise, so you can pretty much take it for granted that you are running Windows.

3) There are several versions of Microsoft Windows (or just Windows) available. The one you will most likely encounter in the business environment is Windows XP Pro. At home, you will find Windows XP Home or Media Center Edition, or Windows Vista. It is possible to find Vista in the business, but most companies were smart enough to avoid it thus far.

You should too.

If you are not sure which version of Windows you have, reboot the computer and watch the monitor. A big logo should appear on the screen before it gets to the Desktop telling you which version you have.

4) These are dial-up modems:

Internal

External

In older systems, you plug the phone line into this device to gain access to the Internet. If you have a modem, you must also have an account with an ISP. You gain access to the Internet by first having the computer tell the dial-up modem to call the ISP and log in. Once that is done, you may launch a Web Browser to view web pages in.

5) This is a network cable:

More specifically this is an Ethernet cable, but calling it a network cable will suffice. It looks very much like a phone cable on steroids – it is generally thicker, and has more pins than a phone cable. It will not fit into a dial-up modem like the ones pictured above. This is how most modern computers get connected to networks and from there to the Internet.

If you use one of these, your Internet connection will likely be always on, meaning you do not have to dial the ISP first – you just launch a Web Browser.

6) It is the Internet, not the Intarwebs, nor is it Internets (plural). These other two expressions are only allowed on LOLcat images.

7) This is a LOLcat site:

I Can Has Cheezeburger

LOLcats are pictures of cats with funny captions that make us laugh. If you don’t get this, I don’t want to know you, for you are obviously a lower form of life.

8) To view a website full of LOLcats images, you will need a Web Browser. There are a number of different browsers available, but the one you will most likely encounter is called Internet Explorer. It is the big blue “e” icon on the Desktop.

If you call Tech Support, they may ask you to go to a specific website. This is done by typing the address of the website into the Address Bar of the browser. If you look at your screen right now, you will see a place that says “http://thecyberwolfe.com/blog/…” – that is the Address Bar. If you click the mouse in that area, you can delete whatever is there and type in something new. When you are done typing, pressing the “Enter” key on the keyboard will take you to the address you just typed.

This will do for the 101 course. Next, in the 102 course, you will find some tips for what to do when something doesn’t work.

I stopped in to fill up the tank and get a drink after work yesterday and noticed that the mini-mart had removed a rack of goodies and replaced it with a huge Budweiser display and a couple stand-alone knick-knack racks. Then I looked closely and saw this:

You’ll have to forgive the lousy picture (camera phone), but if you look closely you will see that it is one of those t-shirt racks that has a picture of the shirt next to the bin. Look even closer, and you will see that the entire thing is devoted to shirts extoling the virtues of Christ, done up to look like trendy shirts that you see hipster kids on Hawthorne wearing.

No shit – one of them even duplicates the Starbucks logo “Sacrificed…for your sins”

Needless to say, this gave me a serious WTF?!? moment. It got worse, however, when I went up to the counter and saw the ‘Royal Blunts’ rolling tubes (which no-one has ever used for tobacco – note the website), the big rack of ‘Energy’ pills (otherwise known as OTC speed) and the (I am really not making this up) “Screaming O” brand vibrating condom rings. And don’t forget all the beer next to the shirt rack.

Apparently, their hypocrisy knows no bounds.

I was looking at my living room the other day and realized that the current vacuum at Chez Wolfe was just not cutting it. Between my hair and Zoe’s, that poor old Royal was choking out. So, off I went to Stark’s Vacuums on Grand.

I’ve been drooling over the Dyson models, just because I appreciate fine engineering when I see it, but am a bit shy about dropping a minimum of $400 on a house-cleaning tool – no matter how well-engineered it may be. I explained this to my friendly sales rep, and laid out my requirements for a new machine:

• Bagless
• HEPA filter
• Upright with onboard tools and extension hose
• Powerful enough to dig the cat hair out of shag
• Less expensive than a Dyson

I can’t remember the gent’s name, but his face kind of fell at that point because they don’t carry much in the way of bagless vacs other than Dysons. I was walking out the door when I spotted this funky looking Hoover: the Z upright.

The idea behind it is really kinda funky – it is a crossover vac. It folds in half from what you see in the picture so that it sits like a canister. The handle pops off and becomes the hose attachment point, and it comes with an extension and a brushless hard-floor tool. Or, stand it up and use it like a regular upright vac. A panel opens up on the side to reveal the cord and tool storage, and all the settings are electronic so it’s dead easy to operate.

We gave it a quick test on the sales floor and it looked like it would do the job. The real selling point, however, was that it was on sale for $139. Sold!

The final verdict: my carpets are now clean and biege, instead of dirty and black from cat hair. The cat, of course, is pissed, because she had put all that effort into shedding all over everything and now she has to start all over again :)

It’s amazing how getting a non-computer-related hobby will cut into your posting about nothings.

I have been making some pouches with a couple of different closures for practice out of that new leather. It is a little thin for pouches in the long run, but they look good. One goes to the Ratboy because it actually came out pretty good, but the second is more than likely going to be taken apart and used as a template – I got the belt loops in the wrong spot, and it can’t be fixed without leaving visible stitch lines.

I’ve got the skirt and mug frogs down pretty pat at this point. For those of you who don’t know, in the re-enactment world, a frog is anything that allows you to hang something else off of your belt. Originally used for swords and daggers that had scabbards without the means of attachment, we’ve been able to think of any number of things that you want with you but don’t necessarily want to carry in your hand.

A tankard or mug is a perfect example – once you’ve drunk it dry while wandering merchant’s row, where do you put it? Why, you hang it off of your belt via a mug frog. A skirt frog attaches a pair of D-rings to your belt which you can use to hold your skirts out of the mud.

At this point, I normally carry three knives, a belt pouch, a mug and my portable butt-can. Once we get into garb, some of us look like Batman with all the crap we hang off our belts. I want to put on anything else, I may have to make a bandolier.

Last payday, I put in an order for a full side of 2-3 ounce leather for pouch making, as well as some additional tools. I figure I should be able to turn out three or four more pouches easy by the next event, along with a few other items I have been protoyping, like bondage bracelets and forearm bracers.

And don’t look at me like that – if you can buy it at the mall, it ain’t kinky anymore. Hell, these days bondage cuffs are pretty damn vanilla, as evidenced by this.

(Which would be useful for those geeks wishing to re-create the scene where Darth freezes Han in Empire. But I digress.)

And that digression has pretty much derailed my train. Where the hell was I? Nevermind, this is a good place to stop. Talk at ya later.

href=”http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/06/25/id_not_science/”>UK Gov boots intelligent design back into ‘religious’ margins

To expand upon what the WBGF gave me for starters, we went to the Oregon Leather Company on Saturday and I grabbed a big bag o’ tools for me to hurt myself with.

Because, really – what project is complete before the obligatory blood sacrifice? Mechanics, woodworkers – you all know what I mean. A barked knuckle on the head while removing a bolt, or that nasty splinter in your palm while prepping your latest shelving project? Yeah, there will be blood if there are tools involved.

Knowing this, I decided to prevent as much of that as possible by turning the first use of these new tools to making scabbards for said tools. The Skiving knife, with it’s bare razor blade was a must. The last thing I want to do is reach into the tool kit and take half the flesh off my hand on the way back out. That one was pretty simple, just a folded over swatch of leather with a rivet and a snap.

My new leather shears ran a distinct chance of bashing themselves against my miniature anvil, so that scabbard was more to protect them than me.

This one was a good starter project, as it includes all of the basics: designing, cutting, sewing and rivets / fasteners. I tried two types of stitching, to get a feel for which one would be better in the long run. First, I tried with the Speedy Stitcher sewing awl, which was definitely the easier of the two, but I don’t like the look of the back-side of the stitch. This may be improved with experience, though. More experimentation is required.

The second method, a saddle stitch, looks the same both front and back so it will be the one to use if both sides are visible – but this method is slightly more difficult and more likely to lead to me sticking a needle into myself, which is exactly what I did. Twice. Unlike a regular cloth needle, leather needles have a triangular head, which is sharp for almost a centimeter. This means you bleed more when you stab yourself. So as usual, bandages in the toolkit.

Now to plan the next project…

So, what with my birthday being last week, I’ve been a little distracted and not posting. There was also lots of work for us to catch up on after having had the long weekend, so what free time I have had has been going to other projects.

The traditional Close-Enough-To-My-Birthday BBQ went off pretty well, and a good time was had in general. Didn’t burn the house down, nobody called the cops, and nobody puked on the carpet. I’d say it was a success – even though nobody RSVP’d. You all suck :)

One of the things I thought about out loud in front of the WBGF was that the cost of leather goods on merchant row at the last event was getting pretty ridiculous. Merchants were asking up to $45 for a simple pouch! Having done leatherwork before, I know it is not terribly difficult, so I thought I might take it up again as a hobby – something I could take with me to do at events to while away those long daylight hours when nothing interesting is going on.

She being the Best, she was of course listening to me ramble on and did something about it by gifting me some leather tools and practice material to help me get back my mad skillz. So, I’ve spent some of my free time over the weekend playing with new toys and remembered more than I thought I would have. The first project was just a simple mug-hanger (a loop of leather that goes around your belt and hooks through your mug’s handle), but it was enough to get me back in the mindset and tell me what tools I need to finish out the workshop.

Since payday isn’t until tomorrow, I spent the rest of my time mentally dis-assembling the rest of my leather accoutrements and making patterns for when I do have the right tools. So far, I have a better mug-hanger (because Tolerant needs one), a pair of basic pouches (these too!) and a new sheath for my right-hand knife (which I have wanted to replace for years).

The trick, however, will be in waiting until I get the rest of those tools before I start any more projects ;)