Diary of a Wolfeman

Overworked and Underf*cked has a great little post from the female perspective of what guys should keep in mind on those occasions they are lucky enough to get taken home by a lady for a loving, caring, 6-hour relationship. Most of these obviously go both ways, but there are, however, some things that us guys would like the lady to think about:

You’re going to have to give us directions. I’m a pretty experienced guy, but women are amazingly unique creatures with wildly differing tastes and triggers. If “ME FIRST!” is the rule, you gotta take the lead and direct the show.

If you don’t know exactly what it takes to make you see God, don’t be mad when he doesn’t either.

Know your cycle. If you’re within 2 days of starting, wait ’til you’re done before you go a-huntin’.

If you have latex allergies, provide your own choice of condoms and quietly point them out at the start of the festivities – by, say, casually opening the bedside drawer as you make for the bed.

If you haven’t done a “pat test” or checked his references, do not freak out / laugh at what you find / don’t find in his trousers. You should have checked.

Don’t falsely advertise! Okay, this is more of an everyday thing, but wouldn’t you feel short-changed if you found a cucumber in his trousers? We feel that way when those melons turn out to be a WunderBra propping up a pair of cherries. If you feel they are too small, go the opposite route and wear a thin top with no bra instead – some guys like ’em tiny, might as well advertise to the right crowd.

Just my tuppence.

As in, The Traditional After-Action / “What I got for Christmas” post.

Yes, there was loot to be had at Chez Wolfe this year, and the best kind it was.

Hand-made art from my daughter, complete with fingerprints, and the sight of her forsaking all of her other loot to play with the things I gave her. Not to mention a pair of movie tix so I can take Tolerant out to the show. (Anything playing Friday?)

Xmas morning with Ratboy – after I nearly beat him to get it ;) (It may not sound like much, but he assures me he gave up something near and dear to him to be there. You don’t need to know.)

Gamage from the Roomie and his lady in the form of our own personal cardboard-crack: “Super Munchkin” from Steve Jackson Games.

Phone calls from those far away – but me little brudder still owes me a call. He is understandably distracted at the moment though.

Saving the best for last (because she is the best): the “Ultimate Edition” DVD of Stargate because I am such a fanboy, clothing so I look my best (new work-type shirts), clothing to speak my mind with (a snarky T), a blanket to keep me warm (mmmm…chenille), and a most excellent new electric razor so she doesn’t have to nibble on a stubbly neck. (It’s only half as loud as its predecessor, so Ratty likes it too.)

I got love from my peeps, that’s what I got :)

So some of you may know about the IMMENSE amounts of junk email clogging the net lately. What you might not know is that those same assholes try to post crap in the comments systems of blogs like Yours Truly.

Normally, this isn’t too much of an issue for me, because A) this is not a hugely popular blog. B) I have some help in the form of my SpamKarma2 and Bad Behavior installations.

And boy, am I glad. SpamKarma2 reports that it has blocked 1889 spam comments in the last 72 hours.

Oi.

Convinced my bank to reverse an overdraft charge due to merchant error.

Spent a quiet afternoon with my daughter and my sweetie.

Had favorite friends over for a yummy ham dinner and movie and pie.

Read Shel Silverstein to my daughter before bed.

A cold glass of Nog while I blog.

These are a few of my favorite things.

Where you sit there, pile of gifts all around you to wrap, and you really start looking at them, all stacked up in their shiny boxes. You read the little descriptive notes on the back of the packages, imagining how your loved ones will react as they see them for the first time…

And you start to wonder if you got them the right thing at all. Doubt sneaks in on tiny feet and twitters about. “Maybe something else would have been a better idea.”

You read the package again, getting out the magnifier for the really small type. Doubt starts doing a jig across your brainpan.

“Huh. Wouldn’t you know it, this is really not going to work.” Done with his jig, Doubt steps aside for Decision to take the stage. “I really must take this back and try again.” You start to feel better about it. “Yes!” You nod to yourself. “I will take it back for a refund and try again!” Good for you, lad!

That’s when Fear creeps into the room. There’s something important that you’re missing, but you can’t quite get it. Your brow furrows as you begin to trace the decision tree, in search of this new Doubt. “What could this mean?”

Fear sidles up next to you, and lays a frozen claw at the base of your spine. Chills race up your back, and you break out into a cold, clammy sweat as Realization smacks you in the face with a large iron skillet:

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Drive home took forever due to the weather. Rain means the highway will be a parking lot, so we took surface streets. That worked out fine until the approach to Hillsdale, where a number of traffic signals were out. Crrraaaawwwwlllll.

At 21st and Broadway, some poor soul had managed to turn their Jeep-thingy shiny-side-down. Hope they’re ok.

But, there’s a light at the end of the street – mine! Power in the house is on, and what’s this? A package from ECS? YAY! My motherboard is here!!

So, out comes the tool kit, and double-yay! I still have thermal compound for the heatsink! Woohoo!

Wait, what’s that? The lights are flickering? SHIT! I don’t dare plug the thing in on a night like this, there’s no telling when the power may go tits-up, and I’ve never gotten around to buying a UPS.

Well, one more night of laptop won’t kill me.

**Update**
Yeah, right – like that was going to happen.

Unfortunately,it appears that the motherboard wasn’t the problem, despite all the symptoms. Next step is to replace the power supply.

Oh, we had some great fun in the office the other day. A couple of Microsoft reps came through the office to talk to us about Sharepoint and a push for a security seminar. We’re a Gold Partner, so this isn’t a rare occasion.

One of the first things they want to talk about though, is whether we are ready and have all the tools we need to push Vista and Office 2007 upon our loyal customers.

You could just smell the desperation dripping off these guys.

Word has come down from on high that every rep needs to pimp Vista and Office 2007 for all they are worth, and these guys have heard a few too many pep talks.

We all looked around the room at each other for a moment, shrugged, looked back at the speaker and said, “Nope.”

It took a few minutes for them to realize that “Nope” also meant we had no plans for pimping Vista for a while yet. Then came the hard question: “Well, why not?” with a huge undertone of ‘You guys are Gold Partners, you should be singing in the choir!’ and, ‘Ye Gods, I don’t want to hear this again!’

The answer: “Because we can only name one software package that is Vista-ready – and that’s Office 2007.

Because there are tales of potential volume-licensing nightmares in the air.

Because the 5 different versions of Vista are a nightmare to decipher, and it looks like the one our customers will need (not want, need) is the most expensive version.

Because we’re afraid if we do install it anywhere as an upgrade to existing hardware, that computer will be just two failed components away from needing a new license – if the existing hardware can even run it.

Because of this, any roll-out would have to be on new hardware, and that hardware is going to be expensive to get the bonus features enabled – now you’re talking tens of thousands of dollars just to get a new OS.”

So no, we’re not pushing Vista yet.

You should all know by now how much contempt I hold in my heart for Microsoft and all the things they have shoved up our collective ass for the past 10 years. I can tell you truthfully, it could be worse:

You could be studying to take a Microsoft Exam.

So here I have been spending a large amount of my time over the past few years learning how to secure a computing environment due to the vast plethora of security holes in MS operating systems. Then my Boss and I get the great idea of me becoming the Company’s Security Advisor, so I start delving even deeper into the mysteries of Hackerdom to better defeat the buggers when they come a-knockin’.

Then comes the discount exam voucher for SBS2003, which would be a useful thing to have. The exam itself shouldn’t be too hard, because it only covers one (albeit amalgamated) product – except for one little caveat:

It’s a MS exam, so therefore ALL of the answers will be geared toward a “MS is the BEST!” mindset. And those bastards have rigged trick questions into the exam.

“Whadya mean ‘trick’ Wolfe?” Well my son, it means that each question’s answer will be tailored to the MS universe, but they will occasionally give a multiple-choice answer that may include an actual best practice from the real world – which is wrong, because MS is the BEST and therefore anything involving a real-world answer is the trick question.

Case in point: how much RAM would you need in a server designed to handle up to 75 users? Real-World answer: minimum of 2GB. MS Answer: SBS 2003 requires a minimum of 256MB RAM, we recommend 384MB.

Can I install SBS 2003 on this little-ol’ Pentium III I found in the closet? Real-World Answer: No, dude, we need to chuck that puppy and get you some decent hardware. Xeon or Opteron at least. MS Answer: why yes, as long as it’s 300MHz, but 550MHz would be better.

How should I secure my network? Real-World Answer: well, we need to install a DPI firewall device on your internet connection. MS Answer: No problem – we’ll just turn your server here, the lifeblood of your company, into a NAT firewall, so it can inspect all traffic and filter out all of the attacks.

Are you out of your freaking mind?!? “No sir, you don’t need a fence, this here rooster that manages all yer hens is plenty tough enough to fend off that there coyote when he comes a-trottin’ into yer henhouse.”

This is going to give me a headache.

Oi.

Up early this morning to take Pookie to the dentist – the poor rugrat inherited my teeth, and they are rotting out of her head bad enough that we have to patch up her baby molars. On top of that, she smacked her face on the monkey bars last week and chipped one of her brand-new front teeth, so we had it capped. As soon as all of her permanent teeth come in, we’re getting those suckers sealed.

Back to the ranch for a quick lunch and to let her mouth regain feeling, and then off to the Fortress of Consumerism for a birthday party at the ice rink. 10 kids for three hours. Whew!

Then back to the ranch again so I could wash dishes and cook dinner, eat said dinner, and goof a bit with the rugrat. Which turned into us watching several episodes of “Mythbusters”, fine family entertainment indeed :)

I should probably get some sleep now..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I can now say “Merry Christmas!”

No, this is not in response to some local stupidity involving the PC-ness of the phrase, it’s because I have been to the yearly Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert.

They came to Portland last Thursday, and it was just as good as in years previous, despite some notable changes in the line-up. Jill Gioia wasn’t with them this year due to her own projects, and there were a couple other changes.

Most noticeable was Jill’s replacement Steve Broderick – a talented individual, but it was weird hearing Jill’s numbers from a male voice.

Tickling, mashing and all-around wringing of the ivories was accomplished by another new addition – Derek Wieland. (He replaced Jane Mangini’s former sparring partner.) A Juliard-Master’s of Music-holding virtuoso who has performed for heads of State and nobility, playing against a gal who, in Al Pitrelli’s own words, “has played for every drunk in North America.” And I can’t decide which of them is better. I lean toward Jane, because (from what I’ve heard so far) she has a better grip on Jazz and the Blues. Sometimes a higher education doesn’t teach you everything. It’s a close race.

The Best Parts:
-A story that makes me cry every year, and I don’t feel embarrassed because 9000 other people are crying too.
-A light show that gets bigger and better every year. The entire light rig moves and re-configures itself through different parts of the show, and Al takes a childlike glee in showing it off :) He gives a shout out to the 65-man crew that runs the thing, and then says “You want to see what happens when those 65 guys set off all this stuff at once? Watch this!” With a cackle, and then they launch into the finale.
–The Carmina Burana live, with fire-laden stage show. Arguably one of the most powerful pieces of music ever written.

The Bummer Parts:
-No Jill :(
-They introduced Kristin Gorman as their “Queen of the Winter Night” but didn’t let her sing the song. The live version is ten times better than any recorded release, because then you get to see her stalking about the stage and throwing that pitch-perfect voice around like a guitar.
-They still haven’t released a recording of the Carmina!!

Small bummers aside, this is still one of the only concerts I am willing to spend money on. I don’t dig on huge crowds, it hurts my knees to sit in cramped arena seats for almost three hours, and I’m half-deaf for a day afterward. But DAMN these people rock!!

If you have never seen this production, you must get tickets next year.