Diary of a Wolfeman

There’s only one thing worse than being given an un-paid day off because there’s crap for business and your boss is a fucktard who A.) won’t carry enough credit to float the biz during a slow time and B.) hires two new guys during the slowest time of the year:

Snapping wide awake at 8:30 thinking you’re late.

So, what does a disgruntled techie do on a day like this? He spends it looking for a new job, that’s what. Things have picked up a little lately, and I found several worth sending a resume off to. That all came later, though – you don’t want to jump into that sort of thing right off, do you? No, you want to start the day more gradually. Read Slashdot, get the daily comics out of the way, check the email accounts…

…organize your porn collection…

And considering that I had almost a year’s worth of unpaid days off from 2004, there is a lot of collection to organize.

Oh, don’t look at me like that! What the hell else was I going to do with all that spare time I had but surf for porn? Most sites give you little 15-second teaser clips. The best ones would take the whole file and split it into little chunks for the teasers and rotate the content on the page, but if you just cut-and paste the dl link into a new window and change the target, you get the next clip…..

Techie + Bored + Bandwidth = Porn leeching

Well, today I found a neat little bit of trialware that lets you stitch a bunch of files into one large one, so I turned all those itty-bitty-titty clips (I just love alliteration) into something worth watching. Well, that was the intent, anyhow – most of the resultant product was pretty lame. It really does look better in short bursts. Doesn’t anyone make quality porn anymore?

I mean, I have seen stuff from the 70’s that was just wrong (Behind the Green Door – weirdest orgy I’ve ever seen. Everyone was wearing rubber gloves), but some of it was at least cheesy enough you could get a laugh out of it. (Alice in Wonderland – a librarian falls asleep at work and starts fantasizing) This stuff was just …bad. Most definitely not the kind of thing you want to slip into the DVD player to light a fire in your sweetie.

Of course, it doesn’t help that the Internet has made it possible for anyone to make porn and get it out there for the world to see. Sex work being the oldest profession, all it takes is a few hundred dollars to convince some adventurous girl to give it up for the camera, and twenty minutes later it can be on the ‘net. That’s actually the majority of what you’ll find – many sites even use that as their lure “We paid this slut $200…”

Which makes me wonder just why they have to be sluts? Doesn’t anyone else want to see a couple people just having a grand ol’ time in front of the camera? Some busty lass laughing and giggling with the guy diddling her from behind? (There’s that alliteration again)

Then there’s the truly scary stuff you find, like a pair of black dudes hung like horses and wearing – get this – Mexican wrestling masks. The girl in the scene doesn’t look like she’s having a whole lot of fun. It’s more like she’s just in a haze from overstimulation. Either that, or she got herself good and drunk before trying to tackle that much salami. Nothing sexy about that glazed look in her eyes.

Ok, in all of this drippy flotsam, I did find one rare site – it’s apparently a roving orgy. They’ve got a half-dozen or so exibitionist gals and an equal number of guys in the troupe, and they find a likely location, set up the cameras, throw a party and have a ball or three.

Another one that was fun was on a similar tack: they hosted a male strip show. Only, they got sneaky and stuck a few shills in the audience, wild gals who would get up on stage and get down with the strippers. If you believe the hype, women are no better than men at resisting the temptations of the flesh as these shows devolve into orgies.

I suppose if I want there to be quality porn, I’ll just have to start making it myself. Maybe I’ll get a copy of Alice in Wonderland and have a semi-private screening to loosen things up. I just happen to know a few librarians, after all ;P

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 27th, 2006 at 11:17 pm and is filed under Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.