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Archive for the 'Humor' Category

Are those real?

Posted in Humor on July 21st, 2005

In this line of work, you never know where you’re going to go or who you’re going to meet. Case in point: our CFO and project manager (I know, we’re a bit uppity calling someone in a 7 person LLC a CFO) is a former man of the cloth. (What can I say – we needed an evangelist…)

So anyway, I’m looking over my schedule yesterday when I see a survey for a wiring job with a familiar name. “No, it couldn’t be,” I think.

It was. A large (they call themselves a ‘megastore’) adult shop needed three phone lines extended for a second point-of-sale machine. This would be why they sent me on the walk-through and not the CFO.

So today I spent most of my day clamboring around a porn shop running phone wire. There’s just something weird about looking up from punching down a terminal and seeing a large poster of tits.

Of all the adult shops I’ve been in over the years, I have to say this one takes a novel approach. Where most are dark and just seem kinda slimy, this place is big and wide-open – it reminded me more of the layout of the 99 cent store down the street. Plenty of light to see (and be seen) by, and all of the shelves were 5′ tall or shorter. No hiding behind a rack in this place so the other customers won’t see you.

That’s something I’ve never understood – they’re in the porn store too, why are you hiding from them?

Anyway, just another day in the life of a Techie.

Heroes for all of us

Posted in Humor on June 19th, 2005

After having seen the new Batman movie, I have a question that should be telling about you: Who is your favorite super hero, and why?

For me, it tends to be a bit mainstream, and a close tie (I am a Gemini, after all)

The first is Bats himself, and not just because he’s the most recent in my head. Batman is the only DC title I have ever read with any sort of relish. Firstly, his only real super-power would have to be called Phenomenal Wealth – he has all the best toys that he and like-minded geeky types can invent. He relies on his own wits and training to do a job normally left to the truly super.

Secondly, it’s his use of fear as a primary weapon. Many criminals live the way they do because they have no fear of retribution from the system. Batman is there to remind them of the consequences of their actions, and to bring them to justice – whether it be a trip to jail, or just a midnight call to scare the bejeezus out of them. One of my favorite quotes is from a scene in which an armed robber has taken a woman hostage, and Bats is trying to convince him of the error in his judgement. He promises that wherever he goes, no matter what he does, Batman will be there, waiting for him. “I am Vengeance! I am the Night!” Indeed.

My second favorite would have to be Wolverine, for similar reasons. He describes himself as “I am the best there is at what I do, and what I do isn’t very nice.” Yes, he’s a killer which goes against most comic-book rules, but there comes a time when it is necessary. Anyone who does not believe this is deluding themselves.

There’s also Logan’s quest to balance his animal berserker self against his own personal code of honor. I was already reading alot about the code of the samurai when the X-Men comics started spending time on Wolverine’s ties to Japan, so this tied me more to the character.

There you have it – two of the darkest characters in the two mainstream line-ups, and they’re the guys I like best. Luckily for me, I have responsibilities that prevent me from becoming a vigilante.

Here’s some funny

Posted in Geekery, Humor on June 8th, 2005

I’m closing down the shop today when I get a text message on my cell from a number not in my address book:

“Can i see ur boobs”

Oooookkaayyy….on a whim, I call the number up and get voicemail. Shrugging, I leave a message:

“I received a text from this number a few minutes ago, and I think you’ve got the wrong number. But if you’re really into the Man-Boob thing, I don’t see why not…”

Later on, I get home to find an email from Thecyberwolfe Security Assistant, asking me to click on a link to my own domain to verify my account details.


Yup, that’s right folks, some idjit tried to phish me from my own domain. Here’s the really funny bit: whois tells me the originating IP is leased from a French ISP.

I’ve been p(h)oissoned. :)

Dictionary entries

Posted in Geekery, Humor on April 23rd, 2005

From the Techie’s Dictionary, or People I Have To Deal With At Work:

The ID10T: A person with so little computer knowledge and skill that no matter what they do, they will somehow manage to break something. They also tend to fill your day up with inane tasks that they could conceivably manage, were they actually to stop and think for more than 10 seconds. See also “Starfish” and “Luser”.

The Power User: Someone who knows just enough about computers to get themselves in serious trouble. Signs a Power User has been ‘customizing’ a computer include error messages on startup, virus/spyware infections and a sheepish look on their face as they explain that “the problem came out of nowhere” instead of admitting that they were fucking with the registry.

The haxorz, 1337 and script kiddies: Quite often your teenage neighbors, who have spent enough time on the ‘net to learn how to download illegal software and spend most of their time flexing their ‘muscles’ by kicking people offline in IRC and utilizing cheat codes to camp on your respawn point. Indicator signs include ‘modder’ cases slapped together with poor technique bearing tell-tale traces of Mountain Dew and keyboards with the “Z” rubbed off.

Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s a chuckle

Posted in Humor on March 6th, 2005

Blood For Odin

This story was ganked from the above site, after being linked by Grou at Frizzen Sparks. No clues as to the veracity, but still a funny tale.

“A friend of a friend lives in NYC and participates in the SCA [Society for Creative Anachronism]. He’s stereotypical Viking, 6’7″ tall, LONG blonde hair, about 350 – 400 lbs of solid muscle, and looks every bit of it. Well, he was going to a meet in full getup with long cloak and battle axe and sitting on the subway… hunched over leaning on the axe with the cloak pulled over it so he wouldn’t scare anybody.

Lo and behold some little punk comes up… MAYBE 5’2”, 120 lbs soaking wet, and brandishes a knife saying “GIMME YOUR MONEY!” Naturally the guy sits there… somewhat befuddled at the balls of this punk. “GIMME YOUR *bleepin* MONEY OR ELSE!” and the guy stands up… and up… and UP. Raising the battle axe over his head, screaming at the top of his lungs “BLOOD FOR ODIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” At this point, the fellow passengers learn the true sound of terror. Not a scream, no curses, just a simple little “urk” as the guy leaves a wet spot as he’s bolting for anywhere but here.

A couple weeks later our friend is at a club in the men’s room, doing what all guys do when they’ve had a bit of ale, and looks over and at the next stall is that SAME PUNK! Up for a bit of a laugh, the guy leans over, and quietly whispers in the dude’s ear “Blood for Odin”……The cops catch up with him a couple blocks away… screaming bloody murder, running like the hounds of hell are after him, with his pants around his ankles.

Well, Its not a rapier and dagger, but I think it will do…” Dale

Reach out and sneer

Posted in Humor, Politics on November 8th, 2004

Ran across this post tonight over at The Register. Damn amusing read.

At one point, the author talks (tongue-in-cheekily) about the Blue States secceeding from the Red States, and that got me thinking: what if we did? How well would we do? For us, it would be California, Oregon Washington and Hawai’i, and we’re all pretty well set-up. Here’s my thoughts.

Trade: We’ve got that wrapped up. We border on Canada and Mexico, plus we’ve got the whole Pacific coast and all the ports therein. Trade should not be a problem.

Tourism: Duh. California and Hawai’i, Disneyland and Paradise. Heck, if we worked it right, we might even grab Reno and ‘Vegas in the initial swoop giving us a huge chunk of capital to work with.

Agriculture: We can grow anything, including some of the best canibis available anywhere in the world, which we would turn into an immediate cash crop. Vast tracks of sustainable forest for lumber products, and the ocean harvest.

Industry: We own the computing world. Most of the major chipmakers of the world already have manufacturing plants in Oregon and California, and Washington has Microsoft. Not to mention the whole Tinseltown deal. Heck, Scaled Composites is based in California, giving us space trade as well.

Military: We have a number of bases from all branches of the service, and there has to be a way we can press the L.A. gangs into service. (Hell, they’re already armed…) Not to mention the gun-toting survivalists camped out in the forest. Remember that Mexican border? We offer Mexican immigrants citizenship in exchange for two years of military service and put them to work fortifying the borders.

Science and Education: We’re covered with some of the best universities in the Nation already, plus the JPL.

So, whaddya say? Pacific States of America? Or maybe just Pacifica?

My X-mas list

Posted in Humor on November 1st, 2004

Here’s a good start:

What better way to start an Evil Empire than with a vintage bomber jet?


Posted in Geekery, Humor on October 26th, 2004

In continuance of the feline theme started by Kylanath, I offer this:
Allerca | The Hypo-Allergenic Cat

From the Press Release:

The hypoallergenic cats produced by ALLERCA will allow consumers to enjoy the love and companionship of a pet without the cost, inconvenience, risk, and limited effectiveness of current allergy treatments. Clients will take delivery of the first ALLERCA kittens in 2007. The hypoallergenic cat is the first of a planned series of lifestyle pets that ALLERCA will develop over the next few years.

This reminds me of Bean Bag Cats® by Edward Winslow Bryant. The story is written as a series of emails from the R&D Dept. to the Marketing Deptartment, where they discuss the development and marketing of Bean Bag Cats®, a product just like the original model, except without legs. There would of course be a profitable accessory trade, with options such as a velcro strip so you could stick the cat to the arm of the sofa, and of course the Sani-Kat Kits® because there’s no way it could make it to the sandbox.

The story ends with “R&D: So what’s next?”
“MKTG: How do you feel about Modular Dogs®?”

Junk Mail

Posted in Humor on October 23rd, 2004

I was confronted with an old foe today as I opened the mailbox, something that is truly a bane to all mankind: junk mail. And not just any junk mail, but the most feared and dreaded of all unrequested mailbox-fillers…

…an AOL cd.

Before I could throw it far from me, the passcodes for the service caught my eye, and I read further. This disc grants 1099 free hours, then can be given to a friend so they may ‘enjoy’ it. The codes, however, are prophetically accurate.

The first code is for my use is “SEAMED-VITALS”, which makes sense. You would have to remove major parts of my brain before I would use this crap.

The second code is “VAPID-ASKERS”, and if that doesn’t describe someone who wants to borrow an AOL cd, I don’t know what does.

Quiz day 2

Posted in Humor on October 22nd, 2004

Which File Extension are You?

I didn’t think I was that bad… :)


Thanks to Mari for pointing this one out.

Name a CD you own that none of your friends own: Danny Elfman, “So-Lo”. Danny wanted to do a solo album, but ended up using Oingo Boingo as his band, just putting his name on it.

Name a book you own that none of your friends own: “The Tutankhamun Prophecies” by Maurice Cotterell. An entertaining bit of drivel my dad sent me.

Name a movie you own on DVD/VHS/whatever that none of your friends own: The Power Puff Girls Movie. 4-year-old daughter, wot?

Name a place that you have visited that none of your friends has: Lava Beds National Monument in Tulelake, CA.

Name something you’ve eaten that none of your friends has: If I could have named it, I’m sure I wouldn’t have eaten it. Whatever it was, it was horrid.

Name something you’ve done that none of your friends has: survived for 25 years on half a pancreas.